Cathy and the Bullies feat. a Samoan

 Today, my friend, we’ll call her Cathy, sat next these two girls, we’ll call them Prissy Girls, in one of her classes. (Cathy actually didn’t mean to sit next to them, the Prissy Girls were forced upon her. Perhaps not unlike how the Ring was forced upon Frodo, which was a great and terrible burden, but it taught us all something we can take to heart.)

While sitting next to Prissy Girls, Cathy could not help but overhear their conversation… because they were right next to her and talking not-so-quietly. They would comment on every girl that walked into class. Such as: “She is not cute” and “Look at her hair!” and “She’s not pretty at all”. Mind you, I’m in college. Let me repeat that: I am in college.

First of all, when I was watching Mean Girls, I didn’t realize that real human beings actually acted like that, because no where during high school did I ever come into contact with that. I thought that the drama in that movie was in fact dramatized for dramatic affect. But apparently, someone went down to a high school under cover with a video camera and hid behind lockers and chemistry books to capture real-life footage of high school girls and then made it into a movie.

Second, oh my god, what the hell? Seriously, who does that? I find it absolutely terrifying that while I am walking around campus all day there are people purposefully looking for people to judge.

Third, I have a letter for these girls… *clears throat* :

Dear Prissy Girls,
Grow up. You are in college now. Act like god-damn adults.
Sincerely,
Everyone

Apparently, we need to have a little talk on how to treat people. You should treat other human beings as if they were human beings. Always. Why is does that seem so hard for some people?

For example: One time in high school, a HUGE Samoan football player (he was like three times my size) was running backwards down the hall (trying to catch a football his friend was about to throw. Where the hell is the administration in this school?). He ran into me, and I’m telling you, it was like a bowling ball hit a pin. I went flying; my papers, notebooks, pencils were up in the air, my English book was permanently lodged sideways into the wall. This guy gave me one look, and then kept running for the football. Maybe he thought I had just fallen because he didn’t feel it when my body bounced off of his, I don’t know. Either way, not fun. Was catching the fake hog-skin really more important than helping someone?

But Prissy Girls, I forgive you, because I know the only reason you pass such serious judgment on others is because you’re sad inside. I understand that it is because you are so irredeemably damaged that you have to tear down others in order to build yourself up. And I can only hope that one day you too can blossom into a healthy, productive member of society and stop being such villainous, abominable misleaders of youth.

Let us pray and hope that the high school instinct in people can be sucked out of them using leeches or time. Hopefully leeches. Does anyone know where I can find leeches? I’m sure Prissy Girls will be much kinder without all that pesky blood in them…

No! Time is the answer. Time and patience. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Down the dark path, go I must not. Lied about the cookies, did they.

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