What do Twilight and Star Wars have in Common?

So, for those of you who haven’t heard, Star Wars VII is a thing going on now. Let’s just do a quick recap of the happenings, shall we?

George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney, who is making another trilogy of the series. It’s an all new plot line, I heard supposedly 200 years in the future, with new plot lines and characters and even new planets to explore. Episodes 7,8, and 9 were supposedly written when the other six movies  were written. It’s not coming out of the blue. Doesn’t sound too bad right? Well, that’s what I thought too. Until yesterday.

Now, in your general musings about the day, you might be wondering (along with how is a raven like a writing desk) what Twlight and Star Wars have in common. The quick answer is nothing. They have nothing in common.

You, sir, are wrong.

Robert Pattinson is the answer here. R-Patz, after just being released from the Twilight franchise, has signed on with Star Wars. Now, I’m no Twilight fan, but Robert isn’t that bad an actor. I’ve seen his other stuff. I think the whole constipated-high acting thing was designed specially for sparkly vampire man. But now, something’s gone too far. He’s signed onto Star Wars… to play to voice of Jar Jar Binks.

Jar Jar Binks.

What the hell?

How in the world does that make sense? We are keeping Jar Jar Binks? Damn you, Lucas for creating this monster! And now it’s continuing? Wait, wait, how can Jar Jar Binks be in the movies if they’re 200 years into the future? He wasn’t even around for 4, 5, & 6. Where is the timeline of the movie?

And that’s not all I’ve heard. Darth Vader may be coming back.

What?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

That’s what I’ve heard.

But… but he’s dead.

I know.

He died.

I know.

Luke burned his body, for Christ sake!

I know, I know, I don’t understand it either. Why, Disney, why are you doing this to us? What? Did his magical suit somehow protect him from the flames and then bring him back from the grave? Or are these new movies somehow interjected in the period between when Luke was growing up and Vader ruled? Or… Or are you just insane?? Gah!

Oh no, don’t tell me, more information? Alright, bring it on.

The movies might feature Luke, Leia, Han, and Lando. I don’t understand how that’s going to work either, unless you have a time machine. Or they’re all really old, in which case, no. No. *Flips table*

I’m just going to treat this as if it were the apocalypse and prepare for the very, very worst. I’m going to crawl into my bunker, lock the door, and watch the good Star Wars movies with my space blanket and canned food. Hold onto your butts, because this one looks like it’s going to be a doozy.

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ACCIO Neil Patrick Harris

Have y’all seen the State Farm commercials? You know, the ones that sing? Here, let me try and post one… let’s see if this works… cross your fingers….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWuiguLBLbc

Ha! It worked! … Sort of.

Well, obviously it isn’t as spectacular for you because you could already see there was a video link, but it was a huge accomplishment for me. Okay, maybe not a huge accomplishment. It’s not like I won the Olympics or defeated a whole legion of dementors. Those would be huge accomplishments. This is more like…. snail sex. (What? Did I really just say snail sex? Why would I write that? I could’ve said it’s like after 20 years finally figuring out how to play hopscotch. That would’ve been much better. Oh well, can’t change it now.) Alright, fine, it’s not an accomplishment at all. Happy?

Anyways, we’ve gotten off point. So you know how the commercial works. You sing the jingle, add something you want like a hot tub or a sandwich, and bippity-boppity-boo, it appears.

I was hanging in the lounge of my building with some friends when this subject came up. We all took turns singing the jingle and then asking for something. When my turn came around, I asked for Neil Patrick Harris (of course).

Another girl, who was also in the lounge, turned to me and said “Yeah, good one. Except he’s gay, so that kind of ruins it.”

Kind of ruins it…. Kind of ruins what? I don’t understand. What was she expecting to do with a magically acquired man that she couldn’t do with a gay one? I wanted Neil so we could hang out and talk… and so he could sing me songs from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. What if I had said Tom Felton or Johnny Depp? What deplorable, perverted things were you planning on doing to my man, lady??

But let’s be honest, nothing could ruin NPH. Not even snail sex. True story.

You would think that after 20+ years on this Earth, of 20+ years being around people, that would be enough time to stop being shocked or surprised by what came out of people’s mouths. It’s not. We all know it’s not nearly enough time. You could double that number, probably even triple it, maybe even quadruple it, and it still wouldn’t be enough.

Sometimes, and this is only rarely, I wish I was Edward Cullen. Wait, hear me out. Because he was able to read people’s minds. Because behind every statement is the thought that lies beneath. Behind every question is the real question begging to be asked. Sometimes I wish I knew what people were actually thinking. And then I realize that I probably really, really don’t, because how terrifying would that be? I mean, sparkling in the sun? Not my idea of a good time.

Edward discovered that most people were thinking about sex or money. And sometimes cats. Which leads me back to Neil (the sex, not the cats). Why are we always thinking about sex? I’m not just talking about horny teenagers here, I mean throughout human history, dating all the way back to cave drawings and stick figure memes, sex has been an integral part of our lives, and it still is today. Tabloids and gossip magazines are always He cheated on her, or My mother’s having my baby, plus Guess who got caught, not to mention Their breaking up, and every once in a while Their getting back together, married, pregnant, divorced, and now she’s gay! on and on and on.

We, as a species, as a culture, are obsessed. Obsessed I say! Asking for a man with the State Farm song was only valid if I got a heterosexual man.

So here’s my two cents. Sex is not that important, not in the grand scheme of things, and not at the expense of other people. It seems like so much drama, whether real life or television life, stems from this. Don’t look at people as gateways to sex or salvation. Treat them as if they were human beings, because, baring any unforeseen pod people invasions, chances are they are.

Image.