David, Goliath, and his Lover

DAVID & JONATHAN (1000 bce)

David and Goliath
After killing the Philistine giant, Goliath, the young hero David was brought before Saul, the first king of Israel. Saul’s eldest son Jonathan instantly fell in love with the handsome young warrior, and stripped off his own robe and armor and placed them upon David. When Jonathan was killed by the Philistines on Mt. Gilboa, David mourned and said: “greatly beloved were you to me; your love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.” The story of David and Jonathan is told in the Old Testament of the Bible, in books 1 and 2 Samuel.

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A Slave to a Slave

MAHMUD OF GHAZNI & MALIK AYAZ (1021 ce)

Mahmud of Ghazni founded the Ghaznavid Empire and ruled as Sultan. He fell in love with Malik Ayaz, a Turkish slave, and their relationship became widely regarded as the epitome of idealized love in Islamic legend and Sufi literature. As the story goes, Ayaz asked Mahmud who the most powerful man in the kingdom was. When the Sultan replied that it was himself, Ayaz corrected him, claiming that in fact Ayaz was the most powerful, since Mahmud was his slave. the “slave to a slave” became a favorite trope in Persian literature.

10 Reasons to Ban Gay Marriage

1. Being gay is not natural. (Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.)

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay (in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.)

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. (People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.)

4. Marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all. (Women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.)

5. Marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. (The sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55 hour just-for-fun marriage and Kim Kardashian’s 72 hour marriage would be destroyed.)

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. (Gay couples, infertile couples, and older people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.)

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children (since straight parents only raise straight children).

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. (In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.)

9. Children can never succeed without a male and female role model at home. (That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.)

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. (We could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.)

Why Gay Marriage will be hard to Achieve

I find that most of my human interactions happen in cafes or cafeterias or restaurants. I wonder why that is. Something about the watering hole, I’m sure, brings people from all backgrounds and thought bubbles into one place. The watering hole is an equalizing gathering place.

Enough musing. As I said before, I was in a cafe. A regular college cafe full of regular college students. Behind me I heard a group of girls laughing and talking about Buffy, Firefly, and Joss Whedon. I was just thinking about turning around and talking to them, perhaps I would even whip out the Firefly DVD case I happened to have in my backpack, when the conversation turned to Nathan Fillion, and then to Neil Patrick Harris.

And, unfortunately, the conversation took a predictable turn.

“He’s so hot! It’s too bad he’s gay.”

Too bad he’s gay. I am so sick of hearing this. What does that even mean? Like, if he weren’t gay, you would have a shot at him and Neil Patrick Harriscould get married to him and live happily ever after? I don’t think so. Even if Neil was the womanizing Barney from How I Met Your Mother, random girl in Utah, I still don’t think you would have a shot at his genitals, and even if you did, you’d probably break up anyways. Just saying.

But then these girls went on talking.

“He can act, sing, dance, and he’s gorgeous! What a waste that he can’t have kids.”

Alright, first of all, just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he can’t beget children. There are such things nowadays thanks to this witchcraft called science like artificial insemination, or surrogacy, or drunken horny one night stands. All those things can and have fathered children from gay parents. But more importantly, what did you just say?

What a waste.

Those words have been ringing in my head ever since I heard them.

What a waste.

A waste of what? I understand the fact that you would like to get good genes into Humanity’s gene pool and continue on the Harris line of awesomeness, but those words. A waste of genes? A waste of a pleasurable sexual encounter? Or are you somehow implying that he’s a waste of life?

That last one seems a little extreme, and she probably never meant that in her wildest dreams, but you can’t help but stop on those words and wonder what was wasting away?

This is the problem. This is why it’s going to take a while for marriage equality, because of an underlying attitude in today’s culture that undermines equality. .Too bad…... What a waste…... Why are all the good men married or gay….... This attitude, that gays are some how not worthy, or they’re stealing away chances of happiness from women, is more detrimental than the hardcore anti-gay protesters. Because there’s always going to be someone who will protest, but it’s like this attitude is infecting the pro-gay people.

I believe in gay marriage. It’s just too bad that they’re gay.

That’s not really helpful, now is it? It’s not really equality, it’s not really tolerance, and it’s not really acceptance. In the back of people’s minds, there’s still this nagging. We can’t seem to accept people as people–purely and only as people who have feelings and ideas and something to contribute to the world other than children and sex.

How many times have we seen this? Just go to any Adam Lambert song on Youtube and see for yourself. The comments are not about how well done this song was, or what an amazing voice he has, or what the video means. All of the comments are qualified and tainted with something like

… if only he wasn’t gayadam lambert

… too bad he’s gay

… I don’t care that he’s gay, he rocks

… Isn’t he gay?

…..

I mean, seriously, when did he come out? Three, four years ago? And we still can’t get over it. We can’t just talk about his music, we can’t just say he’s talented, we can’t have a conversation about him being hot or him being our favorite singer without yourself or somebody else chiming in You know he’s gay, right? I’ve never been able to.

This ‘If Only He Wasn’t Gay’ thing has to stop. It has to. Sticks and stones may break bones, but words hold the real power. They last. They hurt. They break. They change the world.

The words that come out of our mouth reflect our thinking, and right now it doesn’t look good. How we think affects how we act, and our actions affect others.

We the people of the United States hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Mike and Ike…. are gay?


Mike and Ikes. Wonderful candy. Wonderful people, too. I remember when I first met Mike. I thought he was a little weird at first. You know, twitchy. He used to always have one earbud in when he spoke to you, like he superglued it there or something. Well, actually one time it was superglued. Ike pranked him. It was great. The earbud was stuck for a week. He couldn’t take showers, so then one time when he was…. Well, he made me promise never to tell that story. Alright, you talked me into it. One time when Mike was taking a bath, Ike unlocked the bathroom door, ran in, and squirted red dye into the water. Mike didn’t see or hear it coming. He was listening to the music through the attached earbud. I swear to you, for the next three days from the chest down, Mike looked like an oompa loompa. What was even more funny was he was singing to the song he was listening to, and I’m pretty sure it was Beyonce. But don’t tell him I told you.

Ike on the other hand, man is he a pistol. He’s like a chipmunk on coffee. He’s like a ferret on speed! The boy never sits down. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sit down and eat a meal. And he’s always scribbling on things. On napkins, on the tablecloth, on his jeans, on his bedsheets in the middle of the night, on the freaking walls! The whole outside of his house is covered in graffiti. His graffiti. Ike loves to keep colored sharpies in his pockets at all times in case he gets that itching to tag my curtains with another one of his designs. (I don’t mind really, they actually look better that way. I just would have appreciated it if he asked beforehand. Or had done it while I was home.)

When I heard about them breaking up though, I… I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t understand. They seemed perfect for each other, you know? They were meant to be together. Like Simon and Garfunkel, or Jack Skellington and Sally, or Garfield and lasagna! Mike would mellow Ike out so he could actually be functional in society, and Ike made Mike laugh, and smile, and gave him something to watch over. I’m still in shock over it. I didn’t see it coming.

One of my friends said that they wouldn’t get back together until Marriage Equality is federally recognized, but I’m not so sure if that’s true.

But for whatever reason, I just hope that someday, soon hopefully, they can sit down and talk, and really listen to each other, and work out the issues. I’m not going to say if I’m on Team Mike or Team Ike, because they shouldn’t be separated. They can’t be! I know everything will work out right. They just need a little perspective, you’ll see. Before you know it, we’ll be strolling down the riverbank arm-in-arm like old times. I just…. I just have to st-stay positive about these things.

Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s not about gay marriage. It’s just a marketing ploy that will end sometime next year when they break up “forever” or are happily reunited (whatever that means). It’s a cute idea, but I was not at all intrigued until I heard the marriage equality thing, and then i was really intrigued… and then was really disappointed.

Maine and Maryland Come Out!

More cool-ass news, guys! Maine and Maryland have come out! By popular vote, no less. The public majority of both states recently (like, three days ago) voted to have Marriage Equality.

Dude, that’s fucking cool.

Tolerance and Acceptance strikes again!

I’ll have to add Maine and Maryland to my Marriage Equality States song (stolen from Jesse Tyler Ferguson’s Tie the Knot organization. Don’t know about it? Like bow ties? Click herehttp://www.tietheknot.org/) Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts  New Hampshire, New York, Vermont… Washington D.C., and now Maine and Maryland. Now, just imagine that, but in song.

A Marriage Equality Act is also expected to pass in Washington, too. And an anti- same sex marriage proposal in Minnesota is expected to fail. The gays are taking America by storm! Soon we’ll all be fabulous, and there ain’t nothing wrong with that.

Debunking Leviticus

In honor of the one year anniversary repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell:

Something I’ve been hearing about a lot recently in the world is gay marriage. Gay this, gay that, it’s wrong, it’s right, I don’t like it, it’s not natural, on and on and on. Gay marriage, or rather, marriage equality (because gay people don’t gay walk their dog or gay grocery shop) is ridiculous. It’s absurd; absolutely ludicrous! There is no reason that everyone shouldn’t be allowed to be married, to publicly show their love, to have tax breaks, to visit their partner in the hospital when their sick, or adopt a child together.

Besides the fact that withholding marriage from a specific category of people is the textbook definition of discrimination, especially in the home of the free and the land of the brave, people try to use the Bible to somehow legitimize their prejudice.

Here for you now, is the Debunking of Leviticus, so you too can stop hate and ignorance it its tracks!

“‘Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.” (Leviticus 18:22)

This is probably the most famous line used against marriage equality. First, Leviticus also said no haircuts, polyester clothes, divorce, tattoos, football, shellfish, fortune telling, and gold jewelry, among other things (like if your wife saves your life by grabbing the attackers genitals, you have to cut off her hand. For shizzle. How bizarrely specific is that?). If you’re going to follow one rule, you have to follow them all. You can’t just pick and choose.

That’s right, no more drunken football games in your poly-cotton blend jersey with your local fortune teller and Cash-4-Gold representative after divorcing your crab-scarfing Barbershop spouse anymore. I know what you’re thinking. What am I going to do with my Tuesday nights now? I’m in the same boat, my friend. Back to Boggle, I suppose.

Second, Leviticus is in the Old Testament, which is specifically meant for Jews, not Christians.

And third, none of it even matters because Jesus invalidated all of it, along with Original Sin, when he died on the cross and instated a new set of rules so we could all go to Heaven. (But I’m sure God cares more about who you decide to marry rather than being a good person or following His teachings.)

I’ve also heard arguments that people of the same sex coming together is somehow against God, or against the Bible. Just in the same way that it doesn’t matter what I think of your relationship, it doesn’t matter what your God thinks of their relationship, because in fact it may not be the same omnipotent deity. And it also doesn’t matter if you don’t like their relationship.

If I don’t like my neighbor’s marriage, can I stop it? No, I can’t. Do I have a say in your marriage because I think blondes and brunettes don’t mix? Because Muggles and Wizards don’t mix? No, I do not. No one should have any say in anyone else’s marriage besides the people in that relationship. (Am I sounding crazy yet?)

Love is not just a right, it’s something unique and beautiful to our species. It’s not only insane to think someone could regulate it, I find it ugly. Love is like breathing. No more can anyone control how many breaths a person takes in their lifetime, can you control the zombie apocalypse, or, you know, the person who they’ll love.

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