Six Ways to Solve Sagging Breasts

1. Pushup Bras. We made those things for a reason.

2. Value yourself for who you are rather than by the state of your breasts.

3. Change society’s attitude towards beauty

4. Reject the media’s obsession towards breasts and sex.

5. Embrace nature. Accept gravity. It’s not going to go away, so we might as well try to play along.

6. Duct tape.

But seriously, why are we so obsessed with breasts in this culture? Why? Let’s be honest, they’re just sacks of fat. They are there to feed your child. They’re basically utters on a cow. (By the way, breast milk butter is a thing that exists in the world. I mean, it’s one thing I suppose if its your own milk, but please don’t start selling that shit. That’s just weird.)

My breasts don’t feel all that sexy to me. In fact, they’re kind of a hindrance (Sorry, girls). They obstruct my view, and make me top-heavy. I can’t chest bump. I can’t jump, run, climb stairs, or play hopscotch without a bra (Nobody wants to be  hit in the face with their own breasts). They make me feel awkward because of their excellent crumb-catching capabilities. They’re just always in the way. Sometimes I just want to sling them over my shoulder or detach them just for a moment so I can tie my freaking shoes!

And why do we think that bigger is better? I mean, I suppose I can see the attraction, but I think we’re starting to take it way too far. (Or, do I see the attraction because society has conditioned me to see the attraction/think bigger is better?)

In 2011, breast augmentation was the second most popular cosmetic surgery in the U.S. (right under Liposuction) with 316,848 cases. And then fifth most popular was a breast lift with 127,054 cases.

I am so skeptical about whether bigger is better.


big breastsbiggest breast implantbiggest breasts

Now really, is that attractive? Nothing against these women, I’m sure they’re wonderful people. But…. it just looks so uncomfortable. And that last girl in the bright pink top, her breasts were made so big by some sort of hollow coil inside of her breasts that is constantly expanding. The coil-thing expands, and it forces the breasts to fill with fluids, and the coil expands, the skin stretches, and the breasts fill with fluid, until you take the coil out. That sounds horrible.

Seriously, how the hell do they tie their shoes??

And when these women go out, people flock to them. They want their picture taken with these women, or rather, with their breasts. See, unlike normal celebrities where people want a picture with George Clooney or Katy Perry, people don’t know who these women are, nor do they really care. It’s the breasts. They get the women attention, but I don’t really think that sort of attention is flattering.

Could this be one of those urban legends, like Valentines Day was created by Hallmark, or Halloween was cooked up by the candy companies. This social ideal, this standard of beauty–big breasts–was made up by plastic surgeons in order to generate business?? I feel like it’s a perfectly valid conspiracy theory.

Women are NOT allowed to wear pants. (Or belly dance.)

 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel…”
—1st Timothy 2:9

Women are to dress in ‘modest apparel.’ That is what the Bible commands. It is not a matter of opinion.”

I read this on someone else’s blog, an appeal by some dude named David Stewart to all the righteous pious God-loving women out there to stop wearing pants, lest they be smote for being a lewd harlot. Yes, I realize it’s the internet, but seriously? What is up with this guy? Let me tell you more.

Women who wear pants either do not recognize, or do not care, about the spiritual dangers of lasciviousness. The clothes that women wear send a message.”

Well, here he has a point. Not about the lasciviousness, but that clothes send a message. We do use clothes to send signals to one another, such as I am a girl, or I am a goth, or sometimes I am Batman, none of these are a signal to the Devil to drag you to hell. Jesus, it’s not as if I murdered someone. 

Belly dancing is the most filthy trash on earth. Plays and theatre performances are nothing but whore shows. Get right with God America!”

Okay… what? First of all, belling dancing is not from America, it’s from Western Asia. It is a cultural dance that is not strictly performed by women. Belly dancing goes back all the way to Ancient Greece, where women wore white while dancing to emulate the Goddesses, or wore nothing at all to symbolize purity. They’re not strip teasing for you.

Second, plays and theatre? Come on. That’s just plain misogynistic. What could women dressed in costume, singing, repeating lines, acting out Shakespeare and the like, possibly have to do with this? How could they be whore shows? Don’t you find it more likely that whore shows are whore shows, and not the arts? (And how does this relate to sinning pant-wearing women?)

This guy goes on to say that Taylor Swift is a sinful whore, Katy Perry is a demon-possessed lesbian-lusting loser, and Walt Disney is a whoremonger. (Really, David? A whoremonger? What, are we pimping Snow White now or something?)

And last but not least, here is an entire paragraph, my favorite in fact, quoted from his page:

Any idiot knows that men are sexually aroused by SIGHT. This is the great danger of women wearing pants. Lest you think this a trifle matter, Jesus condemned the lusts of the heart as being equivalent to ADULTERY in Matthew 5:28, “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Maybe you don’t care, but God does. Immodestly dressed women cause men to lust. Sadly, many women enjoy such sensual attraction, making them feel good about themselves; but that is a very shallow and selfish attitude to have, and sinful I might add. John 12:43 tells us to seek the praise of God, not men.”

There are soooo many things wrong here. First, he’s putting the blame on women. It’s clearly not mens’ faults if they’re aroused by sight, that’s just nature, it’s clearly the woman’s doing! How dare she dress in pants. It is her fault the men are lusting and sinning.

But since these men are aroused by sight, shouldn’t we poke out their eyes, then? That way they won’t lust and commit adultery? No, condemn the women! How dare they feel good about themselves! How shallow! How selfish! Damn them to Hell! The women are clearly forcing men to ogle and fantasize about them. They bring it upon themselves, the salty she-devils!

What the fuck.

Pants are form-fitting, forcing men to stare at women’s legs…”

No, shut up.

… pants on women are OBSCENE by every definition of the—”

Seriously, shut your hole! Pants are not obscene, they’re a symbol of women’s power, strength, and equality.

During World War II was really when pants started to become popular. After the men went to war, the women had to step up and take on the jobs the men had left behind at home. They built fighter jets, made ammunition, tested machine guns, operated drill presses, volunteered as firefighters, etc, etc. And during this time, women started wearing their husband’s trousers in order to work. Then when the war was over, women lost their pants when they lost their jobs during the whole 1950’s resurgence of ” true womanhood”, and women’s God-given work was in the home… over a stove… in a dress and high heels and a pearl necklace.

I don’t have to tell you women have every right to wear pants, and it’s ridiculous to say otherwise. We’re busy as shit. We have things to do, places to go, worlds to conquer. We don’t have time to worry if the wind is going to blow up our skirts. We don’t want to worry about crossing our legs at the ankles instead of at the knee so people don’t see our panties. What if I went commando? I forgot to do the laundry, alright? I had to figure out if Rhino Tuscan had three apples and Silvia Plath had fifteen goats, how long would it take aliens to impregnate Rhi…..yeah, I didn’t do that. So I baked cupcakes instead! I’m normal, I swear.

It’s funny how everything always seems to be our fault. Don’t wear pants, because it tricks the men into lusting over you. Don’t wear sexy clothes, because you’re just teasing the guys. And don’t you dare walk home by yourself after you dressed like that, if the guy rapes you it’s your fault for wearing a short dress. The guy can’t help himself. Make sure you have birth control and condoms, if you get pregnant, you only have yourself to blame.

Guys are slutty, girls are monogamous. Guys can’t help themselves, women don’t like sex. As all dichotomies are false dichotomies, none of this is true, but we believe it’s true because everyone keeps telling us it’s true. Whether it’s abstinence-only education textbooks, or media, or Republicans, or Snooki, these sorts of ideas keep popping up, pounding these idiotic vibrations into our skulls. And if we keep hearing it enough, and saying it enough, and thinking it enough, we may just end up believing it.

So wear pants! And do your laundry. And eat cupcakes. And hell, belly dance! Why not? There’s nothing holding you back.