What Do You Look Like In Your Bathing Suit?

Funny how beauty ideals change so quickly and so vastly. An ad actually campaigning women to gain weight?? The madness! The sheer madness!

I mean, you can’t walk into a grocery store today without ten different tabloids and magazines shouting Quick and Easy Ways to Lose 10 Pounds by Tomorrow! With Spring creeping up upon us suddenly out of the darkness of winter, this dreaded topic of swimsuits is sure to be on many a woman’s mind.

Corsets, crash diets, diet pills, diet t.v. dinners, diet soda, diet sugar, starvation, bulimia  anorexia, and now that even isn’t good enough anymore and so we have photoshop to finish the job. We forget that for thousands of years round hips and soft curves were considered feminine and healthy, sexy and beautiful. It’s only within the last 50 years that a boyish figure has turned popular. And the figure is boyish. Skinny, gangly, tall… that sounds like a young boy to me. Some models are so skinny that they actually lose their menstruation cycle. Can you see the point I’m making here?

Your curves are womanly. Demonstrated by the advertisement above, people wanted to be voluptuous, sensuous, lascivious even.

They wanted a little badonk-a-donk in the trunk of that wagon you’re draggin’, girl! Own that booty. Because, despite popular belief, not

Hothothothot... *cough* I mean.. what?

Hothothothot… *cough* I mean.. what?

all guys want twigs. I know that we’re trained to think that, but believe me when I say there are plenty, plenty of guys out there who do not subscribe to the so-skinny-that-your-ovaries-stop-working look that movies, television, magazines, and billboards keep picturing. There are professional athletes that prefer women who have a little extra on the side. Big, buff traditionally “hott” men who we’re taught should only be into models, cheerleaders, and gymnasts, but they do not. Every single human being on this earth has their very own tastes and preferences, many whose interests line up exactly with you.

So if you want to wear a bikini, wear that bikini. Even if you have love handles. Let those lovely handles come out in all their glory! If you have a behind that makes people double take and say DAT ASS, wear that bikini! Own it, all of it, because its yours, and that ass and those love handles are beautiful. No, for realz. Believe it. You are harder on yourself than anyone else in the entire world. You should be confident, you should love yourself, accept yourself for who you are rather than wishing to be someone else. When you love yourself, no one else can touch you and nothing else will matter.

Say these words: I. Am. Beautiful!

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A Slave to a Slave

MAHMUD OF GHAZNI & MALIK AYAZ (1021 ce)

Mahmud of Ghazni founded the Ghaznavid Empire and ruled as Sultan. He fell in love with Malik Ayaz, a Turkish slave, and their relationship became widely regarded as the epitome of idealized love in Islamic legend and Sufi literature. As the story goes, Ayaz asked Mahmud who the most powerful man in the kingdom was. When the Sultan replied that it was himself, Ayaz corrected him, claiming that in fact Ayaz was the most powerful, since Mahmud was his slave. the “slave to a slave” became a favorite trope in Persian literature.

10 Reasons to Ban Gay Marriage

1. Being gay is not natural. (Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.)

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay (in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.)

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. (People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.)

4. Marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all. (Women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.)

5. Marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. (The sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55 hour just-for-fun marriage and Kim Kardashian’s 72 hour marriage would be destroyed.)

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. (Gay couples, infertile couples, and older people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.)

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children (since straight parents only raise straight children).

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. (In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.)

9. Children can never succeed without a male and female role model at home. (That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.)

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. (We could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.)

Morgan Freeman’s take on the Conneticut Shooting, Shrimp Tacos, and Fox News

“You want to know why. This may sound cynical, but here’s why.

It’s because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single *victim* of Columbine? Disturbed people who would otherwise just off themselves in their basements see the news and want to top it by doing something worse, and going out in a memorable way. Why a grade school? Why children? Because he’ll be remembered as a horrible monster, instead of a sad nobody.

CNN’s article says that if the body count “holds up”, this will rank as the second deadliest shooting behind Virginia Tech, as if statistics somehow make one shooting worse than another. Then they post a video interview of third-graders for all the details of what they saw and heard while the shootings were happening. Fox News has plastered the killer’s face on all their reports for hours. Any articles or news stories yet that focus on the victims and ignore the killer’s identity? None that I’ve seen yet. Because they don’t sell. So congratulations, sensationalist media, you’ve just lit the fire for someone to top this and knock off a day care center or a maternity ward next.

You can help by forgetting you ever read this man’s name, and remembering the name of at least one victim. You can help by donating to mental health research instead of pointing to gun control as the problem. You can help by turning off the news.”

And he’s right. On so the day of the shooting, plus the day after, so many of my friends of Facebook lamented the horrible tragedy that is this devastating shooting, but then they also pointed fingers towards gun control. Gun control is not the problem here. People who want guns will get guns, whether or not it is illegal. The problem here is how we are treating these tragedies. With fame and almost glory. (Not the kind of glory as we would like, but they’re infamous monsters whose names will be remembered, maybe forever.)

And Fox News didn’t even get it right. Once they heard a name that could possibly be the shooter, they went online and got a profile picture off of Facebook and spread it all across the news. It was this guy, Ryan Lanza:

Ryan Lanza

But he didn’t do it. He wasn’t even close. It was this guy’s brother who was the suspect, but this is not the right Ryan Lanza, just a guy with the same name.

We are spending too much time pointing fingers: it’s society’s fault, it’s the violent media’s fault, it’s violent video games... Pointing fingers doesn’t help anybody. We need to start trying to increase the good, try to increase understanding, awareness, and help.

We need to stop listening to the news. Especially Fox News. Seriously, it’s worthless. It’s become sensationalist and dumbed down. They don’t tell you what’s happening on in the world. They laugh and make jokes and tell you how to make Cheesy Potatoes or Shrimp Salsa Tacos. Fox wants to entertain you, not inform you. A recent study was done and showed that the viewership of Fox News had an average IQ ten points below the national average.

And they went online and plastered an innocent man’s face all over the nation as being a killer, apparently without any sort of research or fact checking.

Let’s substitute human reason for shrimp tacos and Facebook slaughters.

Let’s try to build understanding of the world around us.

Let’s try to support research rather than point fingers and glorify killers.

But let’s now have a moment of silence for all of those who died needlessly, whose names we don’t remember, whose faces we never knew.

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And then let’s try and love one another rather than fester and hate.
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Tammy’s Victory! The First Openly Gay Senator

In case you haven’t heard, Tammy Baldwin, a woman from Wisconsin, has been elected to the Senate! Not only that, she’s openly gay. The first in history, I’m told. (Not the first openly gay person ever, the first elected to the Senate. Just so we’re clear. I know, sometimes I mix those two up too.)

Now, I can’t say I know much about her politics. She’s liberal democrat. And she’s for Medicare and Medicaid, in case you were wondering. I myself always find my mind wandering on such issues. And it’s great she’s been elected. She may turn out to be a crappy politician, but I hope she won’t be. Just because she’s gay and a woman doesn’t instantly make her perfect. But it’s great she’s been elected.
(I didn’t like Tommy Thompson’s politics. He was a sell-out and a corporate stooge. Too many special interests for my taste. What can I say, he just wasn’t working anymore. No, I don’t live in Wisconsin. Why do you ask?)

The polls show that Tammy was elected mostly by women and people under 30, which is cool for a couple reasons.
1. Women’s voices are being heard. They’re coming to be a regular force of nature, something to be reckoned with, and that’s really bitchin’.
and 2. The younger populations are showing up more and more in the poles. We’re breeding ourselves a new generation of more politically-aware and open-minded people. It shows that people are showing more tolerance and acceptance for difference. And that’s always good. That’s a brighter future, a damn good hope for achieving World Peace right there.

And the last really cool thing about Tammy being elected is now that there’s an openly gay person in the Senate, it’s bound to raise more gay issues. Once a person is sitting in the room, it makes a big difference. People will become more aware. Hopefully, what we’ve done is started a tiny pebble down the side of a mountain. And that pebble will bump into a few more pebbles, and those will knock into some slightly bigger rocks, and pretty soon we’ll have a boulder running down the face of the cliff. And I mean this in the best, non-violent way possible. We’ve started a powerful avalanche… of sweet potatoes and Cool Ranch Doritos. That’s not violent, and yet strikingly mighty and awe-inspiring, right? Ah, screw the metaphor. You know what I mean.

Anyways, in Tammy’s own words: “You’re damn right we’re making a difference!

The Bachelor vs The Bachelorette

From boy-crazy teenagers to roaring Bridezillas, all women are die-hard romantics, right? Men are all we ever think about! It’s always guys this, men that—tall ones, short ones, big ones, small ones, one man, two men, red man, blue men! And landing a man, boy, that’s not only our biggest goal in life, it’s our MAIN goal. And whether it’s school, health, careers, friends, family, marriage so trumps all others. And how do men show their love? While, I’ll tell you. You know your man is in love when he buys you chocolates, flowers, jewelry, music, shoes, lingerie, tampons, Snuggies, groceries…. Bottom line: if your man ain’t buying you stuff, he don’t love ya no mo’.

What’s that? You don’t believe me? But that’s what all the magazines, TV shows, and romantic comedies are telling me. Aren’t all women either searching for a man, with a man, or getting over one? What’s that? Men don’t consume our every waking thought? And love isn’t about consumerism? Are you sure? I mean, haven’t you even seen the Bachelor?! Like twenty young, beautiful women all competing over one rich, hot guy, with the ultimate goal of him proposing to you at the end? Yeah, sure, women aren’t boy-crazy. Nice try.

Seriously, have you seen that show? Why do people watch that show? (We’ll disregard the fact that I have obviously seen that show. I understand why people watch the show–it’s entertaining. But why do people watch it?) It is the epitome of the assumption that all gals want is a ring. Twenty women all fighting over one man, and only the man does the rejecting. Like, he’s hot and rich and wants to get married, so why wouldn’t all these women be instantly and desperately into him? Nowhere among the nastiness and bitter fighting is a girl thinking: “Hmm, you know, I just don’t think he’s the one for me” or “Geez, I really don’t like his personality” or maybe even “I don’t really like that he’s snogging every girl here”. Is the real message here about love, or that while he wants “true love”, and the girls couldn’t give a shit and just want to be married to someone, anyone, as long as he’s got the chiseled chin of Superman and the deep pockets of Tony Stark.

And sure, they also made the Bachelorette, and it was the exact same thing! The guys were desperate, and always catfighting with each other, going behind each other’s backs, doing anything to get the girl’s attention. I mean, the guys were even making out with the film and camera crew…. Oh Wait. It was the exact opposite. No, it was still just the girl reinforcing the stereotypes about women. (But what do you make about the difference between the Bachelor & the Bachelorette’s socioeconomic status? Dude was rich but babe just gotta be hot? I’m not sure what to make of it, but I do find it interesting.)

But perhaps all this propaganda serves another purpose. If all women are obsessing constantly over boys, and how to attract them, how to keep them, how to please them, how to land one, how to do over one…. these women won’t realize that they’re getting paid less or having their reproductive rights taken away. Because maybe if we spent half that energy on our schooling or career, maybe we could really shake things up. 

Debunking Leviticus

In honor of the one year anniversary repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell:

Something I’ve been hearing about a lot recently in the world is gay marriage. Gay this, gay that, it’s wrong, it’s right, I don’t like it, it’s not natural, on and on and on. Gay marriage, or rather, marriage equality (because gay people don’t gay walk their dog or gay grocery shop) is ridiculous. It’s absurd; absolutely ludicrous! There is no reason that everyone shouldn’t be allowed to be married, to publicly show their love, to have tax breaks, to visit their partner in the hospital when their sick, or adopt a child together.

Besides the fact that withholding marriage from a specific category of people is the textbook definition of discrimination, especially in the home of the free and the land of the brave, people try to use the Bible to somehow legitimize their prejudice.

Here for you now, is the Debunking of Leviticus, so you too can stop hate and ignorance it its tracks!

“‘Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.” (Leviticus 18:22)

This is probably the most famous line used against marriage equality. First, Leviticus also said no haircuts, polyester clothes, divorce, tattoos, football, shellfish, fortune telling, and gold jewelry, among other things (like if your wife saves your life by grabbing the attackers genitals, you have to cut off her hand. For shizzle. How bizarrely specific is that?). If you’re going to follow one rule, you have to follow them all. You can’t just pick and choose.

That’s right, no more drunken football games in your poly-cotton blend jersey with your local fortune teller and Cash-4-Gold representative after divorcing your crab-scarfing Barbershop spouse anymore. I know what you’re thinking. What am I going to do with my Tuesday nights now? I’m in the same boat, my friend. Back to Boggle, I suppose.

Second, Leviticus is in the Old Testament, which is specifically meant for Jews, not Christians.

And third, none of it even matters because Jesus invalidated all of it, along with Original Sin, when he died on the cross and instated a new set of rules so we could all go to Heaven. (But I’m sure God cares more about who you decide to marry rather than being a good person or following His teachings.)

I’ve also heard arguments that people of the same sex coming together is somehow against God, or against the Bible. Just in the same way that it doesn’t matter what I think of your relationship, it doesn’t matter what your God thinks of their relationship, because in fact it may not be the same omnipotent deity. And it also doesn’t matter if you don’t like their relationship.

If I don’t like my neighbor’s marriage, can I stop it? No, I can’t. Do I have a say in your marriage because I think blondes and brunettes don’t mix? Because Muggles and Wizards don’t mix? No, I do not. No one should have any say in anyone else’s marriage besides the people in that relationship. (Am I sounding crazy yet?)

Love is not just a right, it’s something unique and beautiful to our species. It’s not only insane to think someone could regulate it, I find it ugly. Love is like breathing. No more can anyone control how many breaths a person takes in their lifetime, can you control the zombie apocalypse, or, you know, the person who they’ll love.

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