Damn Birth Control! Repent, and Thou Shall Be Saved!

It is the Twenty-first century, so far away from the year that Christ our Lord was born, and it is showing in our society. Women run a muck in the streets. They’re fornicating out of marriage, living with guys out of marriage, having children out of wedlock, getting divorces, and even… I don’t know if I can bring myself to say it… having sex for pleasure!

Everyone knows it’s a woman’s God-given duty to have children, so sex should therefore only be used for that purpose. That is how God intended it, after all. women are losing themselves to free thinking and feminism!

Protect your daughters from sin! Make sure they pledge their virginity to their fathers. Control how your teenagers dress. They should not allowed to be making decisions on their own yet, their pre-frontal cortexes are still underdeveloped. It’s up to you to show them guidance!

And it is during the teenage years that they are at their weakest point. That is when the Devil can get to them!  Make sure they wear long sleeved shirts and pants at all times, even during the middle of summer. That is when this problem is at its peak–the Devil inside of them wants to go out and play in the heat. Keep your teenagers close to your sides at all times. Don’t listen to this “going over to my friend’s” charade.

And for goodness sake, don’t give them birth control! That is just like giving them the green light to go forth and fornicate with everything you can. Women should not be allowed to be in control of their own sexuality. That’s just plain wrong! If it weren’t for having children, a woman should stay celibate and pure all her life.

Don’t give into the Devil! Birth control is of the evil one’s work. For your daughter’s 16th birthday, don’t get her a car. Get her what she really needs–a chastity belt. I promise you, you won’t regret it. She’ll thank you later.

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Hurricane Sandy: God’s Punishment for Homosexuals

Christian religious leader John McTernan has already claimed that Hurricane Sandy is proof that “God is systematically destroying America” as political judgement on America’s “homosexual agenda”. (You know, because only America has gays. Or perhaps God only hates American gays?) But Hurricane Sandy isn’t the only homophobic storm. He claims Hurricanes Katrina and Isaac are as well.

His proof? Hurricane Isaac hit exactly seven years after Katrina, both hitting during the week of Southern Decadence in New Orleans (a gay event). But not only that, Hurricane Sandy is hitting 21 years after the “Perfect Storm,” because 21 breaks down into 7 and 3, both “perfect” numbers when relating to God (for some reason? And then when you multiply them together it makes 21 even more perfect? Don’t worry, you’re not the only lost one here.)

This isn’t the first time religious spokespeople have connected natural disasters with the LGBT community. Pat Robertson, a TV preacher, has long believed that tolerance and acceptance of gays would result in hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombs (really?), and “possibly a meteor.”

And I think he’s right. After all, it is a well-known fact that the meteor hit Earth during the annual T-Rex Gay Parade, and Mount
Vesuvius exploded because the Pompeiians were having an Allies Training session. Dude, this all makes sense now! Global Warming is in on it too. It’s the Earth heating up, like how a human body has a fever to kill a cold, to kill off all the infecting gays!

Doesn’t this all sound a little… Oh, what’s the word I’m looking for…. It’s not pagan, because there’s nothing wrong with that… It’s not witchery, because I wouldn’t want to insult the Sanderson Sisters…. Oh, that’s right: crazy. All of this just sounds way too crazy. I got nothing against religion, but this is too much like the Salem witch hunts, or Noah flooding the world. And god forbid we bring any actual science, like say meteorology, into this.

It’s definitely God, and definitely the homosexual agenda–due to Obama being pro-gay and everything. Because God never misses an election day.

But what an evil thing to say, especially since a lot of good people are getting hurt during this storm, gay and straight, men and women, black, orange, gray, and white people. People are struggling for their livelihoods and homes, friends and families, and this Yahoo McTernan thinks God did it to punish a select few in a wide range of people. If He were going to attack a place, why wouldn’t he attack Salt Lake City, the gayest city in the U.S.! (Yes, it’s true. More gays than Chicago, LA, or New York.) And prior hub to Governor Romney (because he doesn’t like Romney either). It seems so much more likely since Salt Lake is sitting on a fault line and everything. It wouldn’t take very much to start a damn good earthquake. But no, clearly hurricane is the way to go.