10 Reasons to Ban Gay Marriage

1. Being gay is not natural. (Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.)

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay (in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.)

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. (People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.)

4. Marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all. (Women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.)

5. Marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. (The sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55 hour just-for-fun marriage and Kim Kardashian’s 72 hour marriage would be destroyed.)

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. (Gay couples, infertile couples, and older people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.)

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children (since straight parents only raise straight children).

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. (In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.)

9. Children can never succeed without a male and female role model at home. (That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.)

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. (We could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.)

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Damn Birth Control! Repent, and Thou Shall Be Saved!

It is the Twenty-first century, so far away from the year that Christ our Lord was born, and it is showing in our society. Women run a muck in the streets. They’re fornicating out of marriage, living with guys out of marriage, having children out of wedlock, getting divorces, and even… I don’t know if I can bring myself to say it… having sex for pleasure!

Everyone knows it’s a woman’s God-given duty to have children, so sex should therefore only be used for that purpose. That is how God intended it, after all. women are losing themselves to free thinking and feminism!

Protect your daughters from sin! Make sure they pledge their virginity to their fathers. Control how your teenagers dress. They should not allowed to be making decisions on their own yet, their pre-frontal cortexes are still underdeveloped. It’s up to you to show them guidance!

And it is during the teenage years that they are at their weakest point. That is when the Devil can get to them!  Make sure they wear long sleeved shirts and pants at all times, even during the middle of summer. That is when this problem is at its peak–the Devil inside of them wants to go out and play in the heat. Keep your teenagers close to your sides at all times. Don’t listen to this “going over to my friend’s” charade.

And for goodness sake, don’t give them birth control! That is just like giving them the green light to go forth and fornicate with everything you can. Women should not be allowed to be in control of their own sexuality. That’s just plain wrong! If it weren’t for having children, a woman should stay celibate and pure all her life.

Don’t give into the Devil! Birth control is of the evil one’s work. For your daughter’s 16th birthday, don’t get her a car. Get her what she really needs–a chastity belt. I promise you, you won’t regret it. She’ll thank you later.

On Sale Now!!

On Sale Now!!

Rape: the Act of God, said one Republican asshole

“You know, this is that issue for that every candidates for federal, or even state office, faces. And I, too, certainly stand for life,” said Mourdock, after both Democrat Joe Donnelly and Libertarian Andrew Horning had identified as pro-life, though Donnelly also stated his support for an exception in cases of rape. “I know there are some who disagree, and I respect their point of view.

But I believe that life begins at conception. The only exception I have, to have an abortion, is in that case of
the life of the mother.  “I’ve struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize that life is that gift from god. And even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.
–Richard Mourdock, Republican nominee

Seriously, do Republicans do this shit on purpose? I can’t even… I don’t…. *headdesk* Stupid stupid stupid….

No, God does not cross his arms and say “You there, good sir. Go and chase down that lady, pin her down, and rape her because I have this soul here that needs a vessel and I just cannot seem to find anyone else to impregnate right now.”

You have no right to tell a woman how to live her life, or what she should do with her body. And going beyond that, you have no right to reach inside the mind of God (whether or not He exists) and interpret his will for the world. You are not God, sir. Sorry to burst that bubble for you. You do not know His will. And any God who purposefully rapes women, well, that’s no God I want to pray to. That’s for damn sure.

Fun fact: Mourdock is really knowledgeable about Abraham Lincoln, and he goes around the state giving speeches and historical references about Lincoln. Apparently, he didn’t take Abe’s advice: “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

And I suppose God, too, wanted Lincoln shot in the back of the head.

(I’m pretty sure that blurry word behind his giant head says Mourdick. I’m almost positive it does.)